Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
