I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?