I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
