i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
