I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
