go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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