Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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