It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
