i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
