Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
