I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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