i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
