i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
