Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
