The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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