Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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