I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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