someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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