Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
