I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
