my soul wont recognize me after tonight
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
