His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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