On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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