The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
