I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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