oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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