So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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