Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
