pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
