I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
