The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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