please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The air was thick with penises
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
