I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
