the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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