he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
