all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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