I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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