Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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