why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
