There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
