i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
