he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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