Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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