Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
