textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
