My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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