I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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