I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
