His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
