end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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