he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
