My nipple is on Facebook.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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