he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
