He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
